Relationships · Gottman
Aftermath of a Fight
Gottman's 5-part debrief for after a fight has cooled
Gottman's five-part debrief. Run this AFTER a fight has cooled — never during. Purpose is not to relitigate the content; it's to process how each of you experienced it.
1. Feelings — what I felt during (not thoughts, feelings)
2. Realities — what I saw and heard (subjective, no debate)
3. Triggers — what got activated from my past
4. My responsibility — my part in the escalation
5. Constructive plan — one thing I'll do differently next time
Both realities are true
Two people in the same fight had two different experiences. Debate over which was 'right' is why the next fight starts. Accept both, then move to responsibility.