Relationships · Gottman

Gottman Four Horsemen Worksheet

Criticism · Contempt · Defensiveness · Stonewalling — with each antidote

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Gottman's Four Horsemen — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling — predict divorce with high accuracy. Each has an antidote. This worksheet names which shows up in your relationship and installs the antidote.

Criticism

Antidote: Gentle start-up. 'I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___.'

How this shows up in our fights (specific recent example)

My antidote in my own words, for next time

Contempt

Antidote: Build culture of appreciation. Name specific respect and fondness daily.

How this shows up in our fights (specific recent example)

My antidote in my own words, for next time

Defensiveness

Antidote: Take responsibility for even one small part of it.

How this shows up in our fights (specific recent example)

My antidote in my own words, for next time

Stonewalling

Antidote: Physiological self-soothing. 20-minute break, then return.

How this shows up in our fights (specific recent example)

My antidote in my own words, for next time

Which one is mine most often — and what will I practice this week?

About this worksheet

The Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — are the four communication patterns that predict divorce with high accuracy in longitudinal research. Each has an antidote. Criticism (attacking the character rather than the behavior) — antidote: gentle start-up using 'I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___'. Contempt (superiority, disgust, mockery) — antidote: build a culture of appreciation with daily specific respect and fondness. Defensiveness (righteousness, counter-attack) — antidote: take responsibility for even one small part of it. Stonewalling (shutting down, withdrawing) — antidote: physiological self-soothing with a 20-minute break, then return. The worksheet has one section per horseman: how it shows up in your fights (with a specific recent example) and the antidote written in your own words for next time.

When to use it

Couples therapy, especially early in Gottman-informed work.
Pre-marital counseling.
Discernment counseling for couples considering separation.
Post-affair rebuilding work.
High-conflict relational patterns — the framework names the pattern quickly.

How to use it

1
Specific recent example, not general pattern
'We fight about the dishes' is too abstract. 'On Tuesday when he said the kitchen was disgusting, I felt attacked' is workable.
2
The antidote in the client's own words
The Gottman antidote is the direction, not the script. The client's version, using their own voice, is what will actually get said.
3
One horseman is usually dominant
Most clients discover they have one primary horseman and one secondary. Working on the primary shifts the pattern faster than working on all four.
4
The antidote does not require the partner to change first
Each partner works their own antidote. The pattern shifts on either side, without requiring the other.