DBT · Interpersonal
DBT GIVE Skills
Interpersonal effectiveness for when the goal is connection, not outcome
About this worksheet
GIVE is the DBT interpersonal-effectiveness skill for conversations where the goal is the relationship, not the outcome — Gentle (non-attacking, non-judgemental, no threats), Interested (actually listen), Validate (acknowledge what's true in their experience even if you disagree), Easy manner (tone, humor, warmth). It sits alongside DEAR MAN (getting what you want) and FAST (keeping self-respect); which skill leads depends on what the client is optimizing for. This worksheet walks the client through each letter for a specific upcoming conversation, names what will trip them up (old pattern, hot button, triggered part), and pre-commits to a recovery move for when they slip mid-conversation. Confidence rating at the end so client and clinician can see whether one pass was enough.
When to use it
- Partner and family conflict where the tie matters more than being right.
- Rupture repair — the conversation that comes after the fight.
- High-conflict co-parenting where GIVE and FAST have to work together.
- Adult-child dynamics with a parent who won't change — GIVE for keeping the door open without losing the self.
- Workplace relationships where preserving the working relationship is a real priority.
How to use it
- 1Name the relationship, not the outcome
'I want this partnership to survive this conversation' is the frame. If the client is actually optimizing for outcome, use DEAR MAN instead.
- 2Walk letter by letter
One concrete plan per letter. Vague 'be nice' fails; specific 'no eye-roll when they bring up the money thing' works.
- 3Name the trip-up in advance
The hot button, the old pattern, the triggered part. Naming it pre-loads the recovery.
- 4Pre-commit to the recovery move
'If I slip out of GIVE, I'll say ___ and reset.' Recovery is the skill, not perfection.
- 5Debrief after the conversation
What went as planned, what didn't, what to adjust. GIVE is a practice, not a one-shot.
Frequently asked questions
How is GIVE different from DEAR MAN?+
DEAR MAN is for getting what you want (objective effectiveness). GIVE is for keeping the relationship (relationship effectiveness). FAST is for keeping self-respect. All three are usually in play; which one leads depends on what the client is prioritizing.
Is GIVE about being a pushover?+
No — it's about the tone and posture, not the content. A GIVE conversation can still say hard things. The skill is delivering them without eroding the relationship.
When shouldn't I use GIVE?+
In abusive dynamics where prioritizing the relationship costs the client's safety or self-respect, GIVE isn't the right lead — FAST comes first. Screen for that before assigning the sheet.
Is this worksheet free?+
Yes. Free printable PDF. Sign in to TherapistAssist to send as a secure client link.
Related worksheets
Worksheet — DBT GIVE Skills — provided by TherapistAssist for clinical use. Not a substitute for assessment or treatment.