Relationships · Conflict
Repair Attempts
Gottman — small phrases to de-escalate mid-conflict
About this worksheet
Repair attempts are the single biggest predictor of relationship outcome in John Gottman's 40 years of marriage research. A repair attempt is any statement or action made during conflict to de-escalate, slow down, or reconnect — a joke, a 'wait, I'm sorry, can we restart?', a hand on the shoulder, a 'I'm overwhelmed, give me 20 minutes.' Gottman's longitudinal research shows that whether a couple's repair attempts work — not how often conflict happens, not how intense it gets — predicts divorce vs. lasting connection with 90%+ accuracy. The catch: repairs only work in couples where the positive-to-negative ratio in everyday interaction is already 5:1 or better. In couples below that ratio, repairs land as 'too little too late' or as another move in the fight. This worksheet collects the Gottman-Institute list of 30+ repair phrases organized by function (I'm feeling, sorry, stop action, getting to yes, I appreciate, here's what I need, affection), asks each partner to mark which phrases they're willing to receive (and which would feel patronizing or annoying), and ends with a 'our repair list' the couple builds together. Use mid-treatment in couples work after the foundation of positive interactions is laid down — not as a first-week intervention.
When to use it
- Gottman Method couples therapy — once the friendship foundation work is underway.
- Couples whose conflicts escalate fast and the question is 'how do we slow down once we're in it?'
- Pre-marital counseling and relationship maintenance work.
- Family therapy with adolescents — repair phrases work across parent-child dyads too.
- Avoid as a first-session intervention with couples below the 5:1 positive ratio — repairs won't land. Build positive sentiment first.
How to use it
- 1Each partner reads the list alone
30+ phrases, sorted by function. Mark which ones you'd be willing to hear from your partner mid-fight.
- 2Mark the no-go phrases
Some Gottman phrases feel patronizing to certain people. 'Let me try again' lands warmly for some, sarcastic to others. Mark what wouldn't work.
- 3Build the joint list
Compare lists. Build a 'our couple repair menu' of 8–12 phrases both partners agreed they'd receive well.
- 4Post the list visibly
Fridge, phone wallpaper, bathroom mirror. The list has to be findable mid-fight, not stored in a binder.
- 5Use one this week — small stakes
Practice on a minor disagreement, not the relationship's biggest argument. Repairs work best when rehearsed cold.
Frequently asked questions
What is a repair attempt in Gottman therapy?+
Any verbal or non-verbal statement made during conflict to de-escalate, slow down, take a break, or reconnect. Gottman's longitudinal research found that whether repair attempts succeed is the single strongest predictor of relationship outcome — more predictive than the conflict topics themselves.
What are examples of Gottman repair attempts?+
'Wait, can we start over?', 'I'm feeling overwhelmed,' 'I'm sorry — I overreacted,' 'I hear you,' 'That's a good point,' 'Can I have 20 minutes?', 'I love you,' a hand on the arm, a self-deprecating joke. There are 30+ in the Gottman list, organized by function.
Why don't my repair attempts work?+
Two common reasons. First — the couple's positive-to-negative ratio in everyday interaction is below 5:1, and there isn't enough positive sentiment for any repair to land. Fix the foundation first. Second — the phrase isn't on the receiving partner's accept-list. 'Let me try again' lands sweetly for some, sarcastic to others. The joint repair list addresses this.
When during couples therapy should I introduce this worksheet?+
Mid-treatment, after building the friendship foundation (love maps, fondness, turning toward bids) and after both partners have built some emotional regulation skill. Introducing repairs to a couple below the 5:1 ratio backfires.
Do repair attempts work in non-romantic relationships?+
Yes — Gottman's research is on romantic couples, but the underlying principle (any statement that de-escalates conflict and signals goodwill) transfers cleanly to parent-child, sibling, friendship, and even workplace dynamics. The list of phrases changes slightly, but the structure holds.
Related worksheets
Worksheet — Repair Attempts — provided by TherapistAssist for clinical use. Not a substitute for assessment or treatment.