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Repair Attempts

Gottman — small phrases to de-escalate mid-conflict

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A repair attempt is any move that lowers the temperature mid-fight. They feel awkward at first. Use them anyway. Repair attempts that land — even clumsy ones — are the single best predictor of a relationship lasting.

I feel…
  • "I'm getting flooded."
  • "I'm feeling defensive — can you rephrase that?"
  • "I'm starting to feel unsafe in this conversation."
  • "That hurt my feelings."
I need to calm down
  • "Can we take a break? I want to come back to this in 20 minutes."
  • "Let's agree to come back to this after dinner."
  • "I need to step away — not because of you, because of me."
Sorry / Repair
  • "Let me try that again."
  • "I'm sorry — I was harsh."
  • "What you said makes sense."
  • "I see my part in this."
Stop action
  • "Please can we slow down?"
  • "This isn't going the way I want — can we start over?"
  • "I love you. Let me try again."

Repairs I want to try

Pick 3 that sound like you. Practice saying them out loud — once, alone, in the car.

A small agreement to make together

We will both honor repair attempts — even when we are angry. We will not punish the one who reaches first.

Signed:
Signed:

References & further reading

Conceptual background and further reading, not validation of this handout. Named instruments and methods belong to their original authors; custom prompts and trackers are not validated versions of those instruments.

  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (rev. ed.). Harmony.
© 2026 TherapistAssist · For clinical use · Not a substitute for assessment
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About this worksheet

Repair attempts are the single biggest predictor of relationship outcome in John Gottman's 40 years of marriage research. A repair attempt is any statement or action made during conflict to de-escalate, slow down, or reconnect — a joke, a 'wait, I'm sorry, can we restart?', a hand on the shoulder, a 'I'm overwhelmed, give me 20 minutes.' Gottman's longitudinal research shows that whether a couple's repair attempts work — not how often conflict happens, not how intense it gets — predicts divorce vs. lasting connection with 90%+ accuracy. The catch: repairs only work in couples where the positive-to-negative ratio in everyday interaction is already 5:1 or better. In couples below that ratio, repairs land as 'too little too late' or as another move in the fight. This worksheet collects the Gottman-Institute list of 30+ repair phrases organized by function (I'm feeling, sorry, stop action, getting to yes, I appreciate, here's what I need, affection), asks each partner to mark which phrases they're willing to receive (and which would feel patronizing or annoying), and ends with a 'our repair list' the couple builds together. Use mid-treatment in couples work after the foundation of positive interactions is laid down — not as a first-week intervention.

When to use it

  • Gottman Method couples therapy — once the friendship foundation work is underway.
  • Couples whose conflicts escalate fast and the question is 'how do we slow down once we're in it?'
  • Pre-marital counseling and relationship maintenance work.
  • Family therapy with adolescents — repair phrases work across parent-child dyads too.
  • Avoid as a first-session intervention with couples below the 5:1 positive ratio — repairs won't land. Build positive sentiment first.

How to use it

  1. 1
    Each partner reads the list alone

    30+ phrases, sorted by function. Mark which ones you'd be willing to hear from your partner mid-fight.

  2. 2
    Mark the no-go phrases

    Some Gottman phrases feel patronizing to certain people. 'Let me try again' lands warmly for some, sarcastic to others. Mark what wouldn't work.

  3. 3
    Build the joint list

    Compare lists. Build a 'our couple repair menu' of 8–12 phrases both partners agreed they'd receive well.

  4. 4
    Post the list visibly

    Fridge, phone wallpaper, bathroom mirror. The list has to be findable mid-fight, not stored in a binder.

  5. 5
    Use one this week — small stakes

    Practice on a minor disagreement, not the relationship's biggest argument. Repairs work best when rehearsed cold.

Frequently asked questions

What is a repair attempt in Gottman therapy?+

Any verbal or non-verbal statement made during conflict to de-escalate, slow down, take a break, or reconnect. Gottman's longitudinal research found that whether repair attempts succeed is the single strongest predictor of relationship outcome — more predictive than the conflict topics themselves.

What are examples of Gottman repair attempts?+

'Wait, can we start over?', 'I'm feeling overwhelmed,' 'I'm sorry — I overreacted,' 'I hear you,' 'That's a good point,' 'Can I have 20 minutes?', 'I love you,' a hand on the arm, a self-deprecating joke. There are 30+ in the Gottman list, organized by function.

Why don't my repair attempts work?+

Two common reasons. First — the couple's positive-to-negative ratio in everyday interaction is below 5:1, and there isn't enough positive sentiment for any repair to land. Fix the foundation first. Second — the phrase isn't on the receiving partner's accept-list. 'Let me try again' lands sweetly for some, sarcastic to others. The joint repair list addresses this.

When during couples therapy should I introduce this worksheet?+

Mid-treatment, after building the friendship foundation (love maps, fondness, turning toward bids) and after both partners have built some emotional regulation skill. Introducing repairs to a couple below the 5:1 ratio backfires.

Do repair attempts work in non-romantic relationships?+

Yes — Gottman's research is on romantic couples, but the underlying principle (any statement that de-escalates conflict and signals goodwill) transfers cleanly to parent-child, sibling, friendship, and even workplace dynamics. The list of phrases changes slightly, but the structure holds.

Worksheet — Repair Attempts — provided by TherapistAssist for clinical use. Not a substitute for assessment or treatment.