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Soft Startup Scripts

Gottman's gentle opening — drafted, not improvised

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The first 90 seconds predict the next 90 minutes. Soft startup is the Gottman shape: I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___. Draft it three times. Use the third.

The topic
Who you're talking to
Harsh startup (the trap)

"You never ___. What's wrong with you?"

Soft startup

"I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___."

Draft 1
Draft 2 · softer
Draft 3 · final

References & further reading

Conceptual background and further reading, not validation of this handout. Named instruments and methods belong to their original authors; custom prompts and trackers are not validated versions of those instruments.

  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (rev. ed.). Harmony.
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