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DBT · Interpersonal

DEAR MAN

DBT interpersonal effectiveness — ask for what you need

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A script frame for asking for what you need — or saying no — without burning the relationship or sacrificing self-respect. Write it down before you say it.

What to say · DEAR
D
Describe

Just the facts of the situation. No interpretation, no blame — what a camera would see.

E
Express

Say how you feel and what you think about the situation. Use “I” statements.

A
Assert

Ask for what you want clearly. Or say no clearly. Don't assume the other person can read your mind.

R
Reinforce

Tell the person the positive effect of getting what you want — for them, for you, for the relationship.

How to say it · MAN
M
Mindful

Stay focused on your goal. Don't get pulled into side arguments. Calmly return to the ask — a broken record if needed.

A
Appear Confident

Steady voice, relaxed posture, eye contact. Confidence is communicated before words are heard.

N
Negotiate

Be willing to give to get. Offer alternative solutions. Ask: “What would work for you?”

Draft your script
Describe:
Express:
Assert:
Reinforce:

References & further reading

Conceptual background and further reading, not validation of this handout. Named instruments and methods belong to their original authors; custom prompts and trackers are not validated versions of those instruments.

  • Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
© 2026 TherapistAssist · For clinical use · Not a substitute for assessment
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About this worksheet

DEAR MAN is the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill for making a request or saying no while keeping self-respect and the relationship intact. The acronym — Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate — gives clients a literal script for the conversations they've been avoiding or blowing up. It works because it slows things down: instead of leading with emotion or accusation, the client describes the situation in facts, names how they feel, makes a clear ask, and tells the other person what they'd get out of agreeing. Marsha Linehan designed it for DBT skills groups, but it's used well outside that context — assertiveness training, couples work, workplace coaching. This worksheet gives each letter its own prompt box so the client can draft the conversation before having it. Most clients need to write it out two or three times before the language feels natural in the moment.

When to use it

  • Clients who avoid hard conversations, or who have them and regret how they went.
  • Assertiveness training, boundary work, and any DBT interpersonal effectiveness module.
  • Workplace, family, or partner requests where the stakes feel high.
  • Less useful for severe power imbalances (abuse, coercive control) — safety planning comes first.

How to use it

  1. 1
    Pick one specific conversation

    Not 'how I talk to my mom' — one concrete upcoming or recent ask.

  2. 2
    Describe (D)

    Just the facts of the situation. No interpretation, no labels. One or two sentences.

  3. 3
    Express (E)

    How you feel about it. 'I feel…' statements. Own it as yours, not as their fault.

  4. 4
    Assert (A)

    The actual ask, in one clear sentence. Most drafts hide the ask — make sure it's visible.

  5. 5
    Reinforce (R)

    What's in it for them if they agree, or the natural consequence if they don't. Honest, not manipulative.

  6. 6
    Stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate

    In-the-moment moves: stick to the script, body language steady, be willing to flex on how — not on what — you need.

Frequently asked questions

What does DEAR MAN stand for in DBT?+

Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce — Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. It's a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill for making requests or saying no while keeping the relationship intact.

When should I use DEAR MAN with clients?+

Any time a client needs to make a difficult ask, set a limit, or say no and doesn't know how to start. Particularly useful in DBT skills groups, assertiveness training, and couples preparation.

Is DEAR MAN only for DBT clients?+

No. It originated in DBT but works for any client who needs structured assertiveness. Many CBT and integrative therapists use it as a standalone skill.

How is DEAR MAN different from GIVE and FAST?+

DEAR MAN is for getting what you want. GIVE is for keeping the relationship (Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy manner). FAST is for keeping self-respect (Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, Truthful). They're often taught together.

Worksheet — DEAR MAN — provided by TherapistAssist for clinical use. Not a substitute for assessment or treatment.