DBT · Interpersonal Effectiveness

DEAR MAN Worksheet

Script an interpersonal ask before the conversation

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DBT's DEAR MAN script for making a request or saying no. Write it before the conversation so the words are already yours.

Who I am talking to and what I want (initials only)

D — Describe the facts (no interpretation)

E — Express my feeling using I-statements

A — Assert what I want or don't want, clearly

R — Reinforce (why it matters to them, too)

M — Mindful (stay on topic, don't get pulled sideways)

A — Appear confident (posture, tone, eye contact)

N — Negotiate (what I can flex on, what I can't)

About this worksheet

DBT's DEAR MAN is a scripted framework for making a request or saying no. The worksheet takes one specific interpersonal ask and drafts each letter, so the words exist on paper before the conversation. Describe: the facts, no interpretation. Express: the client's feeling using I-statements. Assert: what they want or don't want, clearly. Reinforce: why it matters to the other person too — not manipulation, honest naming of shared benefit. Mindful: stay on topic, don't get pulled sideways or into old arguments. Appear confident: posture, tone, eye contact, even if the internal experience isn't confident yet. Negotiate: what the client can flex on and what they can't. The evidence for DEAR MAN is not that it produces the desired answer every time — it is that it produces a conversation the client can look back on without shame.

When to use it

Any interpersonal request or refusal the client is anxious about.
Workplace assertiveness — asking for a raise, declining scope creep, setting a deadline.
Couples renegotiation.
Family-of-origin conversations where the client's usual style is passive or aggressive.
As homework before a specific difficult conversation.

How to use it

1
One conversation per sheet
Trying to write a DEAR MAN for 'my mother' in general doesn't work. Pick one specific ask.
2
Describe with facts only
'You never listen' is not Describe — it is a judgment. 'When I told you about my job on Tuesday, the phone was down for 20 minutes' is Describe.
3
Reinforce is honest, not manipulative
The client is naming a real benefit the other person will experience. If there isn't one, that is important information about the request.
4
Practice out loud before the conversation
Reading the script twice, out loud, closes most of the anxiety gap.