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Recovery · Family of an Addict

Codependency Recovery — Beattie's Six Patterns

Caretaking, control, low self-worth, weak boundaries, denial, dependency

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Melody Beattie defines codependence as letting someone else's behavior affect you so much that you become obsessed with controlling theirs. The patterns below organize where the work usually lives.

The six patterns — rate where I am now (0–10)

Caretaking

Anticipating their needs, fixing problems they could fix, feeling responsible for their feelings.

0–10
none
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
most

What this looks like for me right now

Control

Trying to manage their behavior, mood, or substance use through pressure, persuasion, or surveillance.

0–10
none
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
most

What this looks like for me right now

Low self-worth

Worth measured by how useful, needed, or how well-behaved they are because of me.

0–10
none
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
most

What this looks like for me right now

Weak boundaries

Saying yes when I mean no, tolerating treatment I would never accept from anyone else.

0–10
none
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
most

What this looks like for me right now

Denial

Minimizing how bad it is, how long it's been, what I've already given up.

0–10
none
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
most

What this looks like for me right now

Dependency

Identity organized around the relationship; I don't know who I am outside of it.

0–10
none
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
most

What this looks like for me right now

What I gave up to manage this relationship

Friendships, hobbies, career, sleep, my own therapy, time alone, the version of myself I was before.

What recovering myself looks like

One thing I'll do this week that is for me — and not measurable by whether they noticed or appreciated it.

The lowest-scoring pattern is usually where the next piece of work lives. What's one small experiment I can run this week?
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