First Gottman session — the assessment arc and what to map
Couples first sessions in Gottman are assessment-heavy: meet the couple together, then individually, then deliver feedback.
Framing
Gottman's structured assessment spans roughly three to four sessions. Session one is the joint interview — oral history, areas of concern, observation of process. Don't intervene yet.
"For the first few sessions, my main job is to listen and get to know your relationship. I'll meet with you together today, then each of you alone once, and then I'll come back with my read of what I'm seeing and what I think would help. Try not to expect me to fix anything yet — I need to understand it first."
Assessment questions
How did the two of you meet? Tell me the story.
Why · Oral history interview — listen for fondness, we-ness, glorifying the struggle vs. disappointment, chaos.
When you think about your relationship right now, what's working and what's not?
Why · Quick map of areas of strength and conflict.
Tell me about a recent disagreement — walk me through it.
Why · Lets you observe process: Four Horsemen, repair attempts, flooding.
What are you hoping therapy will do for the two of you?
Why · Aligns expectations and surfaces whether goals are compatible.
Key moves
Observe the Four Horsemen
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling — count them, especially contempt.
Note repair attempts
Bids to de-escalate. Are they made? Are they received?
Track 'we' vs. 'I' language
Oral history we-ness predicts outcomes.
Don't intervene yet
Resist the urge to coach in session one. The assessment is the intervention right now.
Listen for
- Contempt — the strongest predictor of divorce. Even small doses matter.
- Stonewalling — physiological flooding wearing the face of withdrawal
- Failed repair attempts that the other partner doesn't see
- Areas of perpetual problem vs. solvable problem
Closing the session
Recap the structure: 'I'll see each of you next, then come back with feedback.' Hand out the questionnaire packet if you use one (e.g., Gottman Relationship Checkup).
Complete the assessment questionnaires before next session. Otherwise nothing.
Common mistakes
- Intervening in conflict in session one before you've assessed
- Letting one partner dominate the oral history
- Skipping individual sessions — they surface affairs, abuse, secrets
- Promising outcomes before you've delivered feedback