What DEAR MAN is for
DEAR MAN is one of three DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, alongside GIVE (preserve the relationship) and FAST (preserve self-respect). DEAR MAN is the objective-effectiveness skill — used when you have a specific outcome you want from a specific person. It is not for venting, not for being understood, and not for repairing rupture. It is for asking, saying no, or holding a limit.
Run DEAR MAN when the client has a defined ask, a relationship that can tolerate directness, and enough emotional regulation to stay on script. If any of those are missing, regulate first (TIPP, opposite action) before attempting the conversation.
The script, letter by letter
| Letter | Stands for | What you actually say |
|---|---|---|
| D | Describe | State the facts of the situation. No interpretation, no blame. "For the last three weeks I've covered the late shift on Thursdays." |
| E | Express | Name your feelings or opinion using "I" statements. "I feel resentful, and I'm worried this is becoming permanent." |
| A | Assert | Ask for what you want, clearly. No hinting. "I'd like us to go back to alternating the late shift starting next week." |
| R | Reinforce | Explain the upside for them if they say yes. "If we split it again I'll have the energy to cover for you the next time you need a Friday off." |
| M | (stay) Mindful | Stay on topic. If they deflect, broken-record the ask. Don't take the bait on side arguments. |
| A | Appear confident | Eye contact, steady tone, body open. Confidence is the delivery, not the content. |
| N | Negotiate | Be willing to give to get. Offer alternatives. Turn the tables — ask them what they can do. |
Worked example: asking a partner for more help with the kids
Here is the same skill, end-to-end, in a sentence the client can actually say.
"In the last month I've done bath-and-bedtime every weeknight (D). I'm running on empty and I'm starting to feel resentful, which I don't want (E). I'd like you to take bath-and-bedtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays going forward (A). If we split it we'll both have time for the gym, and I'll stop snapping at you in the evenings (R). [If partner deflects: broken-record "I hear that — and I still need Tuesdays and Thursdays covered."] [Tone: steady, not pleading. Eye contact (A).] If Tuesdays don't work, I'm open to Monday-Wednesday or any two weeknights you pick (N)."
Common ways DEAR MAN fails
- Skipping Describe. Most failures start by jumping straight to Express ("I'm so frustrated") or Assert ("You need to help more"). Without the factual anchor, the other person hears blame and braces.
- Negotiate too early. If the client opens with "I know you're busy, so whatever works…" they have negotiated against themselves before asking. Negotiate is step 7, not step 1.
- Forgetting Mindful. The other person will deflect — that is normal, not failure. The skill is broken-record: same ask, slightly different words, no engagement with the side argument.
- Wrong skill entirely. If the goal is to feel heard or to repair the relationship, use GIVE. If the goal is self-respect (e.g., refusing something that violates a value), use FAST. DEAR MAN is for getting an outcome.
- Dysregulated delivery. If the client is above ~70/100 on the distress scale, the script will come out as an attack regardless of the words. Regulate first (TIPP, paced breathing, 24-hour delay), then DEAR MAN.
How to teach DEAR MAN in session
Three-step teach: (1) hand the worksheet and walk through the letters using a low-stakes example (asking a coworker to swap a shift). (2) Have the client pick a real upcoming conversation and write each letter out longhand — most clients cannot do this without coaching, which is the point. (3) Role-play, with you playing the other person and deliberately deflecting; coach the client through the Mindful step. Plan two sessions on this skill before the client uses it in vivo on a high-stakes conversation.
Related tools
Frequently asked questions
What does DEAR MAN stand for in DBT?+
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce — (stay) Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. It is Marsha Linehan's scripted skill for asking for something or saying no while staying objective-effective. The first four letters are the request; the last three are the delivery and follow-through.
When should I use DEAR MAN instead of GIVE or FAST?+
Use DEAR MAN when you have a specific outcome you want from a specific person. Use GIVE (Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy manner) when preserving the relationship matters more than the outcome. Use FAST (Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, Truthful) when self-respect matters more than either. The three are designed to stack — most real conversations need all three priorities weighed.
Can I use DEAR MAN in writing, like over text or email?+
Yes, and it often goes better in writing because the client can draft and revise before sending. The trade-off: you lose Appear confident (tone, body language) and Mindful is harder because there is no real-time deflection to broken-record through. Save the highest-stakes asks for in-person or video.
Is there a free DEAR MAN worksheet?+
Yes — the printable worksheet linked above walks through each letter with prompts, then asks the client to draft the actual sentence they will say. Pair it with the Express step of the script and a regulation tool (TIPP or paced breathing) for the 30 minutes before the conversation.