Gottman repairs — sent to each partner
Repair attempts — your turn
A repair attempt is any small move that tries to cool things down during an argument — a soft word, a touch, a bit of humor, an apology, asking for a break.
Why this helps
Gottman's research finds that repair attempts — offered and received — are one of the strongest predictors of how a relationship goes. They don't have to be perfect. They have to land.
Read through these. They're just examples — yours might sound different, and that's fine.
Name a feeling
- “I'm getting defensive — can you rephrase that?”
- “I'm feeling unappreciated.”
- “That hurt my feelings.”
- “I'm starting to feel flooded.”
Take responsibility
- “Let me try that again.”
- “I see my part in this.”
- “I overreacted, I'm sorry.”
- “I can see how I made things worse.”
Stop the action
- “Can we take a break?”
- “Please, let's stop for a minute.”
- “I need to slow this down.”
- “This is getting out of hand — can we start over?”
Get to yes / appreciate
- “You're starting to convince me.”
- “I agree with part of what you're saying.”
- “Thank you for…”
- “That's a good point.”
Affection & humor
- “I love you.”
- “I know this isn't your fault.”
- “We're on the same team.”
- “Can I have a hug?”
When a conversation gets tense, what do you actually say or do to try to bring the temperature down? Be honest — if the answer is “not much,” that's useful to know too.
For example: “I usually try humor.” / “I go quiet and hope it passes.” / “I'll say sorry but keep going.”
Think back to recent arguments. When did your partner try to soften things and you kept going anyway? When a repair gets ignored, the argument almost always gets worse.
For example: “They reach for my hand and I pull away.” / “When they say ‘I love you’ I think they're trying to end the conversation.”
When your partner tries to cool things down, what gets in the way of letting it land? Still feeling unheard, wanting to win the point, distrust, pride, fear of being soft?
For example: “If I soften I'll lose the point.” / “They don't really mean it.” / “I'm too activated to switch gears.”
Pick one specific thing you'll say (or do) the next time a conversation starts to tilt. Write it in your own words — exactly how it would come out of your mouth.
For example: “Can we slow down?” / “I'm getting flooded, I need ten minutes.” / “I want to start that over.”
A sentence or two — optional.