Gottman aftermath conversation — sent to each partner
After the fight — your side
A private reflection after a difficult conversation. Your partner will fill out the same one separately. Your therapist sees both before your next session.
Why this helps
The fight wasn't the moment to be understood — there was too much heat. Writing it down afterwards, alone, gives the truer version of what happened a chance to land.
What were you feeling during the incident? (Just the feeling words — no story, no blame.)
For example: Examples: hurt, dismissed, scared, ashamed, lonely, defensive, shut down, criticized.
Describe your experience of what happened — what you saw, heard, and made of it. Speak only for yourself.
For example: Start sentences with “I noticed…”, “I heard…”, “I made up that…”. Not what your partner did wrong.
What set you off? Was there something from earlier in your life — family, past relationships — that this echoed?
For example: “It reminded me of when…” / “I always brace when…”
What part of this can you take responsibility for? What was your contribution?
For example: Tired, stressed, didn't ask for what you needed, brought up the topic at a bad time, used a sharp tone.
One concrete thing you could do differently. One thing you'd like to ask of your partner.
For example: Specific and small. “Take a 20-minute pause when I feel my chest tighten.” “I'd like you to check in before assuming.”
A sentence or two — what you're hoping for in the next session.