EFT — what each partner needs, in plain language
What you need from each other
Adult relationships rest on a handful of core needs — feeling safe, knowing they're there, mattering to them, being seen as you actually are. This is a private reflection on how those feel right now.
Why this helps
Most couple fights are really about an unmet attachment need that never got named. Slowing down to name yours — for yourself first — makes the next conversation possible.
Read these slowly. Notice which one tugs at you first — there's information there.
Safety
Feeling physically and emotionally safe with your partner
Does it feel safe to bring your real feelings to them? To make a mistake? To not be at your best?
Security
Trusting they're there and they're staying
Do you feel sure of them — that they'll be there when you reach? That this relationship is solid ground?
Being valued
Knowing you matter to them
Do you feel chosen — that they want you specifically, that what you bring matters to them?
Being known
Being seen as you actually are
Do they see the real you — the parts you don't show easily? Or are you mostly performing?
Comfort in distress
Being soothed when it's hard
When you're scared, sad, or struggling — can you reach for them and be met? Or do you handle it alone?
Responsiveness
Knowing they're emotionally available
When you bid for their attention — small or large — do they turn toward you, or away?
These are the core needs research on adult attachment keeps surfacing. Read each one slowly. Notice which one tugs at you first — there's information there.
Which of these needs feel met in your relationship right now? Be specific — what does your partner do (or what's true between you) that meets it?
For example: “I feel chosen — they tell me they're glad I'm here.” / “When I'm sick, they show up.”
Which feel unmet, partly met, or fragile right now? Stay with what's true for you — this is not a list of complaints, it's a map of what you need.
For example: “I don't reach for comfort because I'm not sure I'll be met.” / “I don't feel quite known yet.”
Were any of these needs hard to get met earlier in your life — with parents, past partners? That history shows up in how easy or hard it is to ask for them now.
For example: Optional but powerful. Sets up the EFT work on attachment injuries later.
If you could ask your partner for one thing that would help meet a need — small, specific, doable — what would it be?
For example: Specific behavior, not character change. “Could you check in when I get quiet?” not “Be more emotionally available.”
Optional.