Family · Communication
Family Communication Worksheet
Satir's five stances — from placater to leveler
Virginia Satir named five communication stances families fall into under stress: placater, blamer, computer (super-reasonable), distractor, and leveler (congruent). Only the last one repairs. This sheet maps yours and rehearses the leveler stance.
Which stance do I take under stress?
- Placater — apologize, smooth it over, give in
- Blamer — attack, accuse, get louder
- Computer — go cold and reasonable, no feelings visible
- Distractor — change subject, joke, leave the room
- Leveler — say what I feel and what I need, plainly
The stance I default to — and what it protects
A recent example: what happened, what I said, what I wish I'd said
Rewriting one exchange as a leveler
Situation
What I actually said
Leveler rewrite
Congruent, not comfortable
Leveling is not calm or nice — it's honest. It says the true feeling and the true request without attacking or disappearing.