All worksheets
Back
Relationships · Conflict

Fair Fighting Rules

Ten ground rules to make a hard conversation survivable

TherapistAssist
therapistassist.app

Pre-agreed in calm. Referenced in conflict. These rules don't end disagreement — they keep disagreement from becoming damage.

01
One topic at a time

No kitchen-sinking. The dishes from last March wait their turn.

02
No character attacks

Describe behavior, not identity. 'You did X' not 'you are X.'

03
No contempt

No eye-rolls, mockery, name-calling, sneering. Hardest predictor of breakdown.

04
Stay in the present

Yesterday isn't the topic. Tomorrow isn't either. This thing, right now.

05
Take 20-minute breaks

Once heart rate is over 100, no one is learning. Pause. Re-enter calmer.

06
No leaving the relationship mid-fight

No 'I'm done.' No threats to leave used as leverage.

07
Use I-statements

'I feel ___ when ___ because ___.' Not 'you always.'

08
Take responsibility for your part

Even 10% is enough to name. Both people are in every dynamic.

09
Aim for repair, not victory

If you win, the relationship loses. Different goal.

10
End with a repair attempt

Humor, a soft touch, a sincere 'I love you, and this is hard.'

Our agreement

Sign and date. Tape it inside a cupboard. Reread when the temperature rises.

Signature
Signature
Our agreed pause word

References & further reading

Conceptual background and further reading, not validation of this handout. Named instruments and methods belong to their original authors; custom prompts and trackers are not validated versions of those instruments.

  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (revised ed.). Harmony.
© 2026 TherapistAssist · For clinical use · Not a substitute for assessment
Option One

Get the Fair Fighting Rules

Print-ready PDF. Instant download — no account needed. We email you a copy too.

This sheet only. Unsubscribe anytime.

Option Two

Or send it to your client

Every worksheet, plus 80 interactive tools your client opens on their phone. No app. No login.

  • Their response lands in your dashboard
  • Unlimited worksheet downloads
Start 7-day trial

$20/mo after · cancel in one click

About this worksheet

Fair fighting rules are a pre-agreed contract — drafted in calm, referenced in conflict — that distinguish disagreement from damage. The rules aren't original to any one model; they're the consolidated wisdom of Gottman, EFT, IBCT, and clinical practice on what couples who survive their fights do differently. One topic at a time. No character attacks. No contempt. Stay present. Take twenty-minute breaks once heart rate is over 100. No threats to leave used as leverage. Use I-statements. Take responsibility for your part. Aim for repair over victory. End with a repair attempt. This page lays the ten out cleanly with one-line clinical rationales, gives the couple space to sign together as a literal agreement, and asks them to choose a pause word — a single neutral signal that means 'we need to break, no one's wrong, see you in twenty.'

When to use it

  • Couples in escalating cycles, frequent flooding, post-rupture rebuilds.
  • Family-of-origin or co-parenting work where conflict has historically gone destructive.
  • Pre-conflict — drafted in a calm session, not handed out mid-storm.
  • Avoid as the sole intervention with intimate-partner violence; the rules assume baseline safety. Refer first.

How to use it

  1. 1
    Walk the rules in calm

    Read each one aloud together in session. Discuss any that one partner pushes back on — that's the live one.

  2. 2
    Sign together

    Literal signatures on the bottom of the sheet. The ritual matters; couples take agreements they've signed more seriously.

  3. 3
    Choose a pause word

    One neutral word — 'pause', 'red', 'pizza.' When either partner says it, the conversation stops, no questions, for twenty minutes.

  4. 4
    Post it visibly

    Inside a cupboard, on the fridge, on a phone background. Out of sight = not used.

  5. 5
    Debrief breaks in session

    Review which rules held, which broke, which need refining. Treat ruptures as data, not failures.

Frequently asked questions

What are fair fighting rules in therapy?+

A pre-agreed set of ground rules a couple commits to before conflict starts — typically including one topic at a time, no character attacks, no contempt, mandatory breaks at high arousal, and a focus on repair over winning. They turn fights into productive disagreements.

Why is taking a break so important?+

Once heart rate is over 100, the brain stops processing nuance and shifts into fight-or-flight. Trying to resolve anything in that state usually causes more damage. Twenty minutes of physical separation lets the nervous system reset enough to re-engage usefully.

What if one partner won't follow the rules?+

Common at first. The other partner can still call a pause unilaterally and follow their own rule. Modeling — not enforcement — is what shifts the system over time. If non-cooperation persists, that's a clinical conversation about willingness to repair.

Are fair fighting rules appropriate for abusive relationships?+

No. Fair fighting rules assume baseline emotional and physical safety. In the presence of intimate-partner violence, coercive control, or systematic contempt, the priority is safety and assessment — not negotiation rules.

Worksheet — Fair Fighting Rules — provided by TherapistAssist for clinical use. Not a substitute for assessment or treatment.