DEAR MAN Worksheet: Teaching DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness

DEAR MAN is the DBT skill clients use most outside the therapy room. It's a script-building tool for asking for something — a raise, a boundary, a favor — without burning the relationship.

The acronym

• Describe the situation, factually.
• Express your feelings about it.
• Assert what you want — specifically.
• Reinforce why the other person benefits.
• Mindful — stay on topic.
• Appear confident — posture, voice.
• Negotiate — be willing to give.

How to teach it

Have the client pick a real upcoming conversation. Don't role-play yet — write the script first. Force them to draft each letter on paper. Most clients skip A (assert) and jump to negotiation. The worksheet exposes this.

The drafting is the intervention. Verbal rehearsal lets clients sound assertive without organizing their actual ask. Writing forces specificity: "What, exactly, are you asking for?"

Worked example

Situation. Asking my partner to take over Tuesday night dinner duty.

• D — "For the last three months I've cooked dinner every weeknight."
• E — "I'm feeling drained and a little resentful when 5pm rolls around."
• A — "I'd like you to take over Tuesday and Thursday dinners starting next week."
• R — "It would let me get to the gym after work those days, and I'd come back to evenings less wiped."
• M — Stay on the dinner ask if the conversation drifts to whose week was harder.
• A — Sit at the table, not on the couch. Eye contact.
• N — Open to Wednesday/Friday instead of Tuesday/Thursday. Open to one night instead of two if the first ask is too much.

That's the whole prep. Five minutes of writing, a conversation that lands.

Common failure modes

• Vague A. "More help around the house" is not an assert. "Take over dinner Tuesday and Thursday" is.
• No R. Clients forget the other person needs a reason that benefits them. R is the social lubrication.
• Letting M slip. Most assertiveness conversations get derailed in the first 90 seconds. Coach clients to notice the drift and return: "I want to come back to the dinner thing."
• N as capitulation. Negotiation is not "okay, never mind." It is offering an alternative that still gets some of the ask.

When DEAR MAN doesn't fit

For coercive, abusive, or unsafe relationships, DEAR MAN's "appear confident, negotiate" frame can put the client at risk. Use GIVE and FAST for relationship-preserving versions, and pivot to safety planning when the underlying dynamic is unsafe.

Free printable

Our DEAR MAN worksheet gives a clean template with one box per letter and space for two drafts.

FAQ

How often should clients use DEAR MAN? Build the script for any conversation where the stakes are above 4/10. With practice, the structure becomes internal and the worksheet phases out.

Is DEAR MAN only for DBT clients? No — it works for any client doing assertiveness work.

What about workplace conversations? Particularly useful. Most workplace asks fail at A (vague) and R (not framed in terms the other party cares about).